No Shadows Without Light

tired of teetering between dead ends and a death wish

I slipped, or simply let go; accepting my useless fear of the abyss

free-falling, more forceful than a freight-train and faster than space flight
I studied existence in slow motion
frame-by-frame; bludgeoned by proof 

that there never was a shadow without light

I landed deep in heavy-water 
that was nothing but dark

like the absence of photons following a blinding light

there is an immediate, yet brief moment when all details fade to black

 

before any hint of subtle shapes are discernible

visual reality must sometimes wait to exist

as your pupils expand their scope for light

it rushed me towards the surface 
like undertow in reverse

I was not given time to drown

I emerged from the unnerving world below

outside of all imagination, the sun is the only thing

we can still see with our eyes closed

you know, it gets so bright sometimes that constricting my eyelids into thickly ribbed curtains is still not enough to block out the light of day

and it makes me question the instinct to try

just because you don't sink, well...
it doesn't mean you're a swimmer 

but if you can believe "out of sight, out of mind"

then you'll float on your back and forget how it ever felt
to fear what lives under water

with no need to care that dry land is rare

 you won't try to see where you might be

I simply drifted

dreaming of a place where I might not have to

protect my metaphysical fantasies from the sun

where I might one day bury my face in the sand

so that I can go ripping through the wind-torn sky behind my eyes

spinning and dizzy

wanting nothing more than to dive face-first into this tender belly

with a force I can only pray will break a choked throat

I will fix and fill your holes.

It's Time

The first of many old songs and/or poems written throughout my life that I am finally beginning to archive.
This was a song I wrote just a few months before going to treatment for the first time in June of 2009:

I don’t sleep much at all, it seems
this time of year

I don’t speak much these days, ya' know
well, I’ve got my reasons

'least I don’t drink like I did in the past
so I’ll call it even

but these days, they're gonna haunt me
‘til I find something more to believe in

you know, we call it love 
when we make somebody happy

and we call it out 
just to make our silly-selves sane

‘cause we are all guilty 
of forgetting our own advice

but we hand it out just the same

though once in a while 
we know what we should do

and while doin’s never easy
it's better than thinkin’ you really ought to

still I’m not certain 
that I'll ever really pull through

but I’ll do my best 
and I guess that’s always been true