Found in an old notebook...

I need to find somewhere to seep into home

Not just somewhere to hide that I’m all alone

But to dive in so deep

I just couldn’t say

How much I would die

If taken away

But getting my feet wet is just not enough

For even the air will numb those who are tough

Tangled and bound, I’m stuck on the shelf

Frozen from life and in fear of myself

But to dive in so deep

I just couldn’t say

How much I would die

If taken away

Paper, Rock, Scissors, Shoot!

C         E         F         G7 
This is just another song of how we’ll self-destruct
Some days I think it’s fate, but mostly it’s just luck
Now good and bad are relative – they don’t exist apart
And I’m absolutely certain that I’m relatively smart

C         E7         Am         F 
Don’t be sorry
And don’t be sad
Don’t let yourself regret
Take less than you can get
  
Are we responsible
For chaos born of chance?
Our brains aren’t more than byproducts
Of random happenstance
Is happiness knowing
And being still content?
Anything could happen
Until the very end
  
Don’t be sorry
And don’t be sad
Don’t let yourself regret
Remember what is left
  
Paper, rock, scissors, shoot!
Paper, rock, scissors, shoot!
Paper, rock, scissors, shoot!
Paper, rock, scissors, shoot!


Our hands are sore and faces blue
And no one knows what we should do
I’m pretty sure that nothing new
Has found a truth that’s absolute
  
Don’t be sorry
And don’t be sad
Don’t let yourself regret
Take less than you can get

Song For A Friend

C E F G G7

Lonely and tired through days I had been

working for something without understanding.

If just to be well and knowing what for

before living my life outside of Missouri.

Seemingly irrelevant how we should meet;

two silly sick people, a bit strange but so sweet.

So what you're a veggie and I like the meat?

We're still partners in crime and we don't miss a beat.

F C G G7

F G

Always walking and talking with too many smokes;

relight my cigarette, then you smile, make a joke.

I look from your head on down to the shoes

that you got for free after years of abuse.

C E F G G7

But you never cry, you just twist up your face;

you brush yourself off and you stay in the race.

But it's not about running, this is for life;

and I swear I'd do anything to make you alright.

When you're not with me, you live in my head

I call you at night for your voice before bed.

I worry about you, your grandma and mom;

it all scares me real bad, but I know that you're strong.

Now we're driving and laughing while secrets slip in;

I imagine you closer than we've ever been.

I don't want to tell you or give you the hint;

you might think I'm a creeper and you might want to split.

But somewhere between the mall and the house

I get the idea that you want something out;

something to tell me that you wonder too,

and I know there's no way around telling the truth.

And when the lights go out, you're lying there;

your face is framed with sweet smelling hair.

So I pinch myself now – are you for real?

How did we get here and how do you feel?

And the light comes on; you're standing there.

Just outside we'll be facing their glare.

I look and then scream it's not fucking fair,

but they're staring right back and they don't fucking care.

I miss your loud laugh, I miss being your friend.

Can I still touch your face, can I still hold your hand?

Your lips were like liquid when my mouth was sand;

I'm so sorry I asked for too much in the end.

But every night, I'll keep a low light out...

every night, I'll keep a low light out...

and every night, I'll keep a low light out, for you.

The Wizard

Mark, Mark, King of the Dark

The trauma and drama of everyone’s parts

My “Child”, my “Sleeper”, my “Empty” one, too

It all came from your mouth, so it has to be true

It’s phenomenal really, the way you can place

A life into context without seeing her face

And soon just a thought from the “wisdom” you hold

Might as well come from Jesus; we are that desperate to mold

And simply like that, we give up our will

To use our own voices; we just take the damn pill

So believed to be safe, I eased my guard down

Until seeing I was the subject, while you wore the gown

But I only saw because I watched from the side

The favorites you coddled and studied with pride

And in not being one, it was easy to see

That you simply don’t care about clients like me

Perhaps it was just that I’m not mold-able

Since you really can’t brainwash a mind when it's full

Already lodged with my own core beliefs

You may break down the door, but they won’t ever leave

I could give you credit for being someone

Who established a place that helped me become

A person with health, who can live without ED

Who now wants to live life and not simply be dead

But I was used like the rest for the “research” you plunder

When research is theory, and we’re people, not numbers

Still, maybe your intentions were once genuine

But if so, that was long before your ego stormed in

You see, the brilliance you’ve shown the naïve, it’s an art

But brilliance like that isn’t "Self", it’s a part

So don’t ever forget, despite what they’ve bought

You will never be infallible --- you’re not the son of God.

A Look Into The Vaults: "The Song My Mom Doesn't like" (circa winter/spring of 2009)

The sun has returned

But I’m still in the dark

The voice in my just crumbles and cracks

And the shoes on my feet are coming apart

And the ground underneath is now falling down

‘Cause I can’t put words to the things that I feel

But I’m still out of context after all these years

And no one believes when I say that I’m stuck       

And all I perceive is gonna fuck me up

It’s always been too much

And with everything that’s always going down

If only I could run from this stupid fucking town

Or maybe we might finally all implode

When the scientists release their man-made black hole

There’ll be nothing left as far as I can see

There’ll be nothing for me to feel for all eternity

And with no one left for me to disappoint  

The crushing weight of fear and shame will finally dissipate

'Cause even the people who love me the best

Don’t have the strength to pull me from this mess

And even the friends I love more than myself

Sometimes just make me lonely as hell

So maybe I want an extension of me

To drive myself mother-fucking bat-shit crazy

Or maybe I’ll be better of alone

Living in the mountains and dying when I’m old

‘Cause the sun has returned

But I’m still in the dark

The voice in my still crumbles and cracks

And the shoes on my feet are coming apart

And the ground underneath has now fallen out.

A Bitter Truth

if I wasn't chasing angels
I might have a look around
maybe find a place to settle
'til I'm six feet underground

but this black hole, it's hungry
"you know it's bottomless"
it rages like a snarled sea
  now on the brink of vortex

still hiding in my metaphors
it's where I can pretend
that there's something universal here
and it translates sentience

but if you can't just sit and be alone
a bitter truth, I heard you say
the flock of birds that took you in
will break and fly away

but hey, buck-up, kid---be your own!
when ya' gonna stay?
you know that no one see's you lead
your lonesome day parade